Michelle Alva

Share your journey.
I felt a close connection to a higher power, and this was fueled by having a diary since the age of 8, where I would write my feelings. Being raised Catholic, my life was about “doing the right thing and following those ten commandments.” When I turned 14, my parents divorced, and I found myself in unknown territory. My father moved back to Peru, and from one day to the next, I felt a hole in my heart full of sadness. His lack of financial and emotional support and availability greatly influenced my life and how I perceived men. I couldn’t tell my mom that I missed my dad because I knew she was happy they divorced. I was a sad teenager doing her best to get good grades and work to help my mom pay the bills.

This disconnect from men carried on into my late adolescence. I lost my virginity in a very traumatic way. I didn’t know what sex was or for it to happen at that age. My dad’s absence, and the first traumatic sexual experience, kept me feeling like damaged goods, unlovable, and worthless. I held so much sadness and shame from these experiences that it manifested within my body as chronic tension.

I felt emotionally shut down and found my heart disconnected from my sexual energy and body for many years. As my life progressed, I became an over-achiever, and a perfectionist, staying thin and practicing yoga, perfecting every pose. I was also a people pleaser looking for validation from others. I was looking for acceptance and love to fill the emptiness I felt from feeling abandoned. I graduated from university with a degree in physical therapy to foster my passion for helping people while ensuring I had a stable career that granted me the freedom to be independent.

I married my high-school sweetheart and had a fantastic daughter at age 31. However, I didn’t feel happy even with all my accomplishments. I accomplished my mission of working as a physical therapist. I was drawn to mind-body medicine and became a yoga teacher and infant massage instructor. Yet, something was still missing inside. I didn’t know what it was until I turned 37, when a series of internal struggles led me to decide to get a divorce and go on a path of truly learning how to love myself and be happy. I wanted to know what it’s like to live feeling fulfilled. I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for, but I knew I had to shift my life radically. I learned a wide variety of healing modalities, becoming a mindset coach, a tantra practitioner, and a Neurolinguistic Programming Practitioner. I realized that “healing” is not just physical. It is emotional. It has to do with our mindset, perceptions, and interpretations of what happened to us.